{If you are new to My Love Story, Click HERE to read all of the previous chapters.}
After a tumultuous Christmas break, then having an email exchange with Matthew that left me feeling better, I was excited to get back to school to see what the future was going to bring us. I was giddy, sure that things would progress quickly once we got back in the same state. Together, with our roommates, we spent a lot of time together, had easier conversation, and much more relaxed that it seemed to be before. I still felt emotional about everything that happened before I went home for break, and luckily my friend that had an accident was on the mend, but I felt a very wide range of emotions. I still felt a strong desire to go on a mission, and now that it was January, I was much closer to making that decision. Early on, he got a little sickness going on, so I made him this note:
Matthew could see the emotional turmoil I was in, and having talking to my roommates and his roommates about varying stages of my emotional state, he asked if I wanted to talk.
January 6th: We went for a walk, and sat on the grass not too far from our apartment complex. After talking about a lot of other things on my mind, I finally got up the nerve to say it. After a lull in our conversation, I blurted out, “I feel a little strange doing this, but I don’t think I’ll feel better until I release everything…I’ve kindof had a crush on your for a while now, and I always felt you were so untouchable, why would you ever like me? When we got back from summer break last year, and didn’t see any interest from you, I convinced myself how dumb I was and tried to forget about you. I was so insecure, I hadn’t dated anyone in a while, and Sam & I became friends and consequently dated, and realized we didn’t work. I pushed my feelings away for you, for Sam’s sake. Then, Sam suggested us going out, & I felt I could again.”
After I blurted all of that out, the subject seemed to turn to something lighter and we laughed and felt comfortable. I was glad I said my piece. I always feel better when I clear the air. I thought we’d leave it at that, but as we were about to leave, he said, “Well, since you said something, I should too. ” I assured him that he didn’t have to say anything…just because I did…and maybe I wasn’t sure he was going to say what I wanted to hear. Then he just started talking, “I’m not sure I remember the first time I met you…we were friends, but didn’t know each other that well…we kept in touch over the summer, and I was excited to see you again, then you and Sam started dating…and I’ll admit, I was pretty jealous. I love that I can talk to you easier than any other girl, and I like that, I’m comfortable around you.”
After 2 hours of sitting on the grass, and the sun going down with the evening chill rolling in, we headed back home. We had slight confessionals, and I felt a weight off of my shoulders. We went to our separate homes, spent time with our roommates, than at 10pm when we all got together, I felt we had a little secret with each other that no one else knew about, and it was fun.
The next day, we sat in his apartment for 2 hours talking while people came in and out, there goes our little secret. He made me lunch from his ham & cheese stash (yes I wrote that in my journal) and I said to myself, and I quote myself, “I still think all this is too goo to even think it could be true.” {Oh, Kristen, you have no idea what lies ahead, friend.}
January 9th: Matthew and I went on what I guess you could call a date. I mentioned I was interested in seeing a movie, so we went. He paid, so I guess it’s a date. Most of what we do is with other people, so it felt a little strange just he and I going to a movie. It was a cute movie about a couple emailing (You’ve Got Mail), and it reminded me of us. For some reason, it was hard to have good conversation. Why is that? It’s supposed to flow smoothly now…what is happening? He is what I want, perfect in every way, but something is missing. I’m now all of a sudden unsure of what my heart wants. I felt awkward the next time I went down to hang out at #20. I think his roommates are starting to get clued in on what’s going on with us, though I’m sure it isn’t because he told them anything. I start to worry that they will think I only go there for Matthew, then worry if things don’t work out for us that it’ll ruin everything with my friends/family.
I emailed my 16 year old brother, Russell, for advice. He was always wise beyond his years, and after splurging out all of my thoughts, he told me to be patient…wait and see. When I told my BFF, Natalie, she squealed at every sentence, and I tried to downplay it a lot. I didn’t want her to get too excited…what if it would all change the next week? The boys in apartment 20 made a proclamation/prediction that someone from 20 would marry someone from 39. Sam was starting to have a crush on my roommate Hali, and C.J. was crushing on Amy, so it wasn’t too far fetched. We watched a lot of movies with our gaggle of friends, and the free love massaging would flow between all of us, but this time, it was Matthew scratching my back throughout the movie that made me smile more than ever. Movies tend to be the surefire way to initiate hand holding, but I never made it easy. I didn’t like the cliche’ so instead I kept my hand far away. I didn’t want to appear desperate.
January 19th: I went on a trip to San Francisco for the weekend. My friend Alice stayed home this semester, and I wanted to visit her. I’d never been to San Fran, and didn’t want the opportunity to pass me up. I had asked Matthew to drive me to the airport, but he had a mandatory work meeting, so couldn’t. He did, however, hand me an envelope when we parted and it said this on the back:
What?! I had to wait until I was up in the air to open this thick envelope? When I reached 10,000 feet, I carefully opened the envelope, so as not to rip through his handwriting on the back. It was 4 pages of his wonderful and handsome handwriting just to me. There was also a small packet of Belly Flops, deformed Jelly Belly candies that he got on a trip there over the holiday break, for me to enjoy on my flight.
The entire first page of the letter was small talk about things he’d learned in his classes that day.
Then, on the second page was the gold nugget of information that I had longed to hear from him for a full year, here is an excerpt:
“It’s not easy for me to express my feelings, partly because of the way I was brought up, partly for fear of taking a risk. I enjoy the time we spend together and feel good whenever you walk into the room. I think about you a lot, probably too much. I love talking to you because you listen and share so much of yourself and are just fun to be around. You say you’re not funny, I think you’re wrong. There is a difference between being funny like a comedian and making people happy, but only the latter has any lasting effect. You do that for people, make them feel happy and good about themselves. I like you a lot Kristen, and will miss you while you are gone.” After rambling for another page or two with random stories, I laughed as he closed with, “I think that is the longest letter to ever be created by a pen in my hand.”
{Enter the Squeeeeel!!!}
I was on an airplane, no one to tell all about this to but myself. I couldn’t even really squeal, sitting next to strangers, but you can be sure I was blushing. Hot. Smiling from ear to ear. Stunned. Surprised. Excited. Giddy.
As the plane went in for a landing, I decided I was going to keep this all to myself. I hadn’t seen Alice in a while, and I had a very slight suspicion that she had feelings for Matthew, as I knew they spent time together over the Christmas break because they are from the same hometown. Without cell phones or texting, I mostly kept it all to myself that weekend, which was good for me. Time to think things through on my own, without anyone else’s thoughts. That weekend–being apart–was quite pivotal to our relationship.
{Sadly, I don’t have any good pictures to document this time frame. With feelings comes nervousness to take pictures of those that I want pictures of most.}
