My Love Story Chapter 2 ~ Many Crushes

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Sorry for the major delay–those that have been waiting on pins and needles for Chapter 2.  Besides life getting the best of me, it is quite an exhaustive effort to recall, read through journals, and pull together my thoughts with pictures.  But I want to do this for myself and my kids (and of course all of you) so it will get done eventually.

If you haven’t read Chapter 1 of our love story, you can find it here.

I had only been at the big BYU a week, when I got a call from my dad that my grandpa–in his progressed stage of Alzheimer’s–was fading fast.  My dad took the next flight from Texas to Utah, and thankfully my grandparents lived just less than 2 hours away from me at school. My brother and I were able to be with my dad and grandmother the night my grandfather passed away. To this day, it is still the only death of someone close to me, and something of an eye opening experience. He had been sick, it was time, but I definitely think I grew up a little from that. My brother brought his new girlfriend with him to the funeral.  Something that at the time I questioned (remember my jealousy towards her for taking my brother away), but who was I to say that? Though it was a pensive time for our family, we believe that we will see my grandfather again, so I believed it was my duty to bring some lighthearted joy to my cousins, grandma, etc. We were happy that grandpa wasn’t suffering anymore.

Pictured above is my mom and her parents (still healthy today) along with my brother and his girlfriend.  Below on the left my brother and parents, on the right: all of my cousins on my dad’s side.

Back at school, I thoroughly enjoyed the independence that came with adulthood–now that I was 19.5 and so mature. My cousin told us that his friend had a cabin in Bryce Canyon, and asked my brother and I if we wanted to come along on a camping trip–boys and girls.  Well, sure, that sounds like a “big kid” thing to do in my book! I was also very excited to explore a bit of Southern Utah’s beautiful terrain that I had heard so much about, but had never seen. Of course I brought along my trusty point and shoot camera that had a BIG yellow button on top (that you had to push HARD to take a pic) so that I could capture all of that beauty.

{my bro., his girlfriend Alayna, Me, my cuz Mike}

Guess who my brother brought along on the trip–that girl, Alayna, that he could never seem to part with.  In February, we had to drive along a snowy mountain pass, and I still look at that night as a night my life flashed before my eyes. My red headed cousin Mike thought it was pretty funny how I death gripped the arm chair of his car, as I shrieked at his crazy driving–when we would skid across the icy roads up on a cliff. I did not think it was funny. Once exploring the area, the contrast of the orange rock with the white snow was breathtaking. 

{I loaded my point and shoot camera with some black and white film}

That weekend away with family was fun, but I was anxious to get back to those 10 boys that I had crushes on, and decide who would be the boy that would hold my hand…who did I want to hone my flirting ways onto…who was going to be the person to ask me out and pursue me as I had dreamed. Sadly, it didn’t happen that way. I definitely felt like I had a lot of great friends–guys and girls–but the group “hang out” happened more often than the individual date thing. I convinced myself that I was ok with that, and had a lot of fun getting to know my roommates better. We really had a lot of fun together–it would have been SO much tougher if I had lame roommates.

I was also blessed to have 3 really close friends from home that also went to BYU, that I’d  hang out with often, so there was no lack of fun.

{Colie, Me, Natalie, & Emily preceded me at BYU, but I was happy to be close to them once I got there.  Still very close to each of them.}

Throughout my life, I have been blessed abundantly with wonderful, deep friendships.  All of these girls are still a big part of my life now. But where was my prince?  At BYU it is not un-common to marry during college. Maybe…secretly…in the back of my mind…I hoped I was one of them.  I saw those girls as the lucky ones…probably prettier or smarter than me.  Like a home on the market a long time, did my marriage potential decrease as I got older?  Looking back, I realize how silly that sounds, but admittedly, I didn’t want a career, I wanted to be a wife and mother–I feared I would not be blessed with that gift. I had dated a-plenty previously, I had a serious high school boyfriend,  that was still contacting me–I knew he’d marry me.  Then my freshman year boyfriend,  was also still hopeful that things would work out between us–I knew I could marry him if I wanted to…so I knew there was something that those boys liked about me, but why no one now?  I wish I could tell my nearly 20 year old self to relax…don’t worry about it…it will come. But then, it was a teenage inner drama. Luckily my roommates (who are all happily married now with lovely children) were in the same boat that semester, so we had fun commiserating together about the boys that would come sweep us off our feet.

In March, my brother proposed to Alayna. By that point, I saw how happy he was–that I was happy.  It wasn’t until their engagement that I felt she and I started to really get to know each other and I felt happier about them: About her marrying my brother and being my sister (in law). I always had big plans for the relationships I would have with my brothers wives–because I didn’t have a sister myself. It was starting to look like we might be good friends after all.

She included me in the wedding planning quite a bit, I got to know her family (that lived in a nearby small Utah town) and that was really great.  She was 10 days younger than me. I guess I felt with that age reality, it was another reminder that I was no where close to my dream, so maybe that stung just a little on the inside, but I did my best to not let it show on the outside. I was truly happy for them.

About a week before school was out for the semester–when most everyone headed back home for the summer–I got a call from an old friend asking if I wanted to meet up on a double date in Salt Lake (about an hour away) to go to a U2 Lazer show. She was bringing her boyfriend, and I needed to scrounge up a date.  Great. I know a bunch of boys, a handful of them I have crushes on, can’t think of anyone that I want to ask to go on a double date with a friend and her boyfriend. A couples of my crushes had fizzled, but there was ONE boy that my roommate had a little crush on previously–deemed off limits by me at the time–that I figured it could be casual enough to ask him to go with me. Matthew happily accepted the invitation.  I hadn’t ever seen him with one girl specifically, and I knew him well enough from group hanging out that he was a bit on the shy side.  I had heard that he had dated someone the semester previously and got his heart broken a little. I always felt like I did well with the shy boys…maybe because it allowed me to say what I wanted to say, but I always saw them a bit sweeter–maybe more sensitive–and he was just that. If the evening flopped or was super awkward, it would be ok with him.

I borrowed my brothers Red Mitsubishi Eclipse (neither Matthew nor I had a car) and we headed into town. I can’t remember the entire events of that night, but we met up with my friend quickly, and they had to bail before the lazer show. Matthew and I watched it alone, but it was pretty cool. An audio concert with lazers dancing to the music. I was at ease and comfortable with this boy, and by the end of the night, I had a full on–hard core crush on him and only him.

Here is a super awkward picture of us, the first one of just the two of us, we barely knew each other.

love story

When we parted ways for the summer, he had given me his email, and since I hadn’t set one up yet that wasn’t a campus email (only accessed on campus) I gave him my dad’s work email and told him to send me a little note, and that my dad would print it and pass it on to me. He said he would, and I was sure he actually would, so I was going to let him make the first move.

To be continued….

Pics of me at the end of that semester.


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