My Love Story Chapter 9 ~ California Weekend

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As the plane descended into San Francisco, I couldn’t stop my heart from fluttering, and feeling all flushed inside and out. I’m sure my face was a beet red, but I had to calm myself down.  The 4 page hand written letter that Matthew insisted I wait to open til I reached 10,000 feet, left me with a feeling of excitement of what was to come.  Meeting me at the airport was my friend Alice, who stayed home this semester.  I was looking forward to a fun 3 day weekend in California. Abnormal for me, I wanted to keep this new information to myself. I had a sneaking suspicion that Alice had feelings for Matthew, as they spent time together–with his brother Sam and other friends–over the holidays. I still am not sure if she did, but I didn’t want to chance it.

Alice and I played hard for 3 days. She took me to the city, on a trolley car, Chinatown, Pier 39, and just walking all around what has come to be one of my favorite cities to visit.


At the end of the day, I’d hop on her home computer and check my email, to find a note from Matthew. It was mostly jovial, telling me I didn’t miss anything fun while I was away (though I know he was teasing because I specifically told my friends not to have fun without me), and I told him all the places I’d gone with Alice, since it was very close to his hometown, he knew all about it. I guess I had mentioned in an email to him that my head was “swimming” in regards to “us” and he typed at the end of his email, “Don’t worry, Kristen, you’re not the only one whose head is swimming.”  I loved seeing him type my name.

After another day of playing with Alice, I found it difficult to fall asleep in the evening. The previous night we stayed up late laughing and talking, and she fell right asleep.  As tired as I was…I couldn’t sleep. Too much on my mind, too many thoughts and emotions swirling in my brain. As excited as I should have been to hear from Matthew via email, something about it put doubts in my mind about this whole thing. Was this what I really wanted? Of course.  After the long year of having a crush on him, things were finally looking like they were going to happen. The letter he wrote me clearly stated that he had feelings for me, but all of a sudden, I felt unsure.

Alice and I had gone to see the movie, Meet Joe Black. I thought it was one of the dumbest movies I’d ever seen, but a quote from that movie resonated with me–Be Deliriously Happy. Of course as I watched the movie, my thoughts turned to Matthew. Something happened there, I had a thought…a feeling…that I never wanted to be separated from Matthew ever again. What was that supposed to mean?   In my past relationships, I was the one who instigated break ups. I put in my whole heart, felt that giddy feeling, truly cared for the person…then something would happen in an instant that turned my feelings around. Sometimes it was short, sometimes it had been for months. It terrified me that I’d never truly fall in love with somebody. It broke my heart, and with each break up, it ripped me up inside for once loved feelings lost. Because in each of those instances…I HAD loved them, I know it even looking back years later.  But that love always faded. Love wasn’t supposed to fade, it was supposed to endure. All along, I had worried that I’d never be able to fall in love for good. But this feeling I got, it told me that with Matthew, this could be it. I had to push it aside though, it was MUCH too early to worry about all of that stuff.

Is this the feeling I’ve been waiting for? Is this the confirmation that my heart really can have a lasting love? I left the room where I was trying to sleep and went out to the family room in the middle of the night. I brought my scriptures with me to try to seek some clarity. I knelt down in prayer and cried as I poured my heart out to my Father in Heaven seeking some sort of peace. In the quiet middle of the night in the room of a home that I had never been before, nor since, I got what I was looking for…that feeling of peace that all would be well, it will be sorted out, that this feeling of excitement and the beginnings of love I felt for Matthew would endure. I recorded all of these thoughts on my loose paper that I took on my trip, and placed them in an envelope glued to the back of my journal once I got home.


As Alice drove me to the airport at the end of the 3 days, I was excited to get back to Utah, to Matthew. He was picking me up, and with his recent declaration of love, I was sure things would progress quickly, and thought….we could be married in April! (For those that don’t know the BYU world, this is not uncommon, as engagements generally only last 2-3 months). I had just been accepted into the study abroad program in Jerusalem for the summer, but I wasn’t sure I’d go if things moved along with Matthew as I’d hoped. I’d have to wait and see.

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